To Live in Fear
by Storm Princess
Summary: It had started out as a normal battle, but it ended in Don's capture. He's missing for a year before his brother's find him. Now, though, he doesn't want to come back.
1. Prologue

**To Live in Fear**

It had started out as a normal battle, I suppose. My brothers and I were on the rooftops, sparring when the Foot showed up. We were not especially worried, this has happened before and we can hold our own. Heck, we've taken out twice as many as had shown up tonight, but it seems that the Foot had planned ahead.

We had thought that there would only be about fifty, at most. After about an hour though, we started getting, worried, the Foot just kept coming. Leo ordered us to fall back, but there were too many of them. The last thing I remember is getting hit hard in the head.

Then I'm gone.

**A/N: The chapters will get longer, I swear; this is just the prologue. If enough people are interested I'll try to update faster though :)**


	2. Deadly Deal

I'm not sure what I should be more upset about as I open my eyes slowly. That my head is pounding like I've just banged it against a telephone pole, or that I can't move my arms.

Immobility wins and I pull at whatever is pinning my hands. It feels… like metal-

Oh shell.

I should definitely be worried that I'm chained to a wall with my hands shackled above my head. I'm not sure where I am yet, but judging that my brothers and I were attacked by the Foot, I'm guessing that I'm being held in the Shredder's lair.

My brothers…

Where are they?

Were they caught too?

Oh lord my head hurts…

I glance around the small room trying to calm myself. Poor choice of words when I'm being held captive by the Shredder. Okay… just get a grip on yourself Donatello…

Shell.

The sudden appearance of Saki does nothing for my peace of mind. Doesn't he usually send his little pet in first? Raph says that's what happened when he was captured. So, this means this is something bigger? He's not gonna play around and send his lackeys in first?

I level a glare at Shredder as he starts talking. I know that it'll probably be a while before I have an opportunity to escape, _if_ I even get an opportunity to escape, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna make this easy.

"Greetings, turtle. I trust that you're enjoying the accommodations?" That smirk means I'm not going to like this. I don't know why, but I've got this nagging sense of dread; even worse so then the other times I've been kidnapped by some nut job. I just get the feeling that this is something bigger.

"Cut the formalities, Saki. What do you want with me?"

I have no warning before he slaps me hard across the face. Not that I could have done anything anyway.

"I'll do the talking here, freak. First, let me introduce my assistant."

"We've met. Stockman, you look different. New robot body?"

He starts talking like I hadn't said anything. "Donatello. I hear you're the smart one among your brothers; so tell me, do you know what this is?"

I have to fight to keep my eyes from bugging out when I see what he's holding. It's a mini bomb, in simple terms. It's designed so that when its placed on someone, the tracker keeps tabs on where they are at all times and it can be detonated at anytime. I'd been working on a similar design myself recently.

Judging by Stockman's triumphant sneer, I wasn't able to keep my surprise from showing in my expression.

"It looks like you do know. Well, we have placed these on three individuals you care about, and if you don't do as we say, we will detonate them one by one."

I try to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. I wonder who they placed them on. April or Casey? One of my brothers?

"What do you want from me?" I try to sound stoic, but I'm scared. Even if I manage to escape, and even if my brother's find me, whoever these bombs were placed on would still be in grave danger, and there'd be nothing I could do to stop it. I have no other option then cooperation. It has crossed my mind that they're bluffing, but I can't take that chance. If they've placed them on three individuals, they could detonate one just because I pissed them off. I know Shredder's not above that.

His face is entirely to smug. He knows he has me. "Servitude. I know that you and your brother's are better warriors then my own clan. And some things I require are too delicate of missions to be left in their inferior hands.

"You want me to become a Foot ninja?"

"No. My Foot ninjas are human. And I need you for different things then I ask of them. So, do you agree, or shall I have to eliminate one of your friends to show how serious I am."

I hang my head. I can't see any other way. I have to keep my friends and family safe. No matter what the cost.

"I agree."


	3. One Year Later

**Chapter 3: One Year Later**

I resist the urge to bang my head against the wall as I'm roughly pushed back into my prison room. Today had been worse then any other. Shredder had forced me to help steal one of Bishop's more sophisticated trackers right out of his base. Firstly, I wasn't able to make it out undetected, and Bishop had pretty much beat the shell out of me before I was able to get away. I did manage to make it out with the tracker, only to find out what Shredder's intention for the device was. Apparently, he still didn't trust me not to try to get away, even though I've been here for a year, so he ordered Stockman to put the tracker on me.

This isn't just the kind you can just place on your shell either. Stockman had to inject it into my arm. He didn't even clean the injection site, he just plunged the needle in. I think he just enjoyed seeing me in pain. Not that it really matters. I'm in pain most of the time now.

When I first got here, Saki had me doing stupid little errands for his little Foot pets, but then, as time went by, he started forcing me to help them with their 'tasks' and had me stealing things from ranging from trivial to government classified; threatening me with the safety of my friends and family if I refused. It continues to tear me up inside, they're making me choose between my honor and the lives of my loved ones. I actually have proof that they're not lying, after what I'd guess to be about a month or so after my 'arrival', Stockman showed me the screens monitoring whoever the bombs were placed on. I couldn't tell who they were, it could have been April, Casey, or just one or more of my brothers venturing topside. Either way, now that I had proof that they were indeed in danger, I was even more compelled to obey; if only to protect those who I cared about.

I had pointed out to Saki that my brothers would be actively searching for me, and that if they ever found me on one of my little missions, they'd take me back with them regardless if I agreed or not.

He told me that if they ever found me I'd have five days to get myself back to him before he detonated one of the bombs.

Although I felt somewhat relieved at the compromise, I also felt that it had crushed my last my last bit of hope. Now I knew that even on the miniscule chance my brothers found me, it wouldn't matter. I'd have to leave before I even had a chance to reconnect with them.

That was the first time since my capture that I had cried. The realization that no matter what happened I could never truly be rescued. The knowledge that if I tried to stay with them I would lose three of the people I cared about the most just came crashing down on my shoulders. I could barely breathe let alone sob when I was done.

After that I didn't really care anymore. It didn't really matter what they did to me anymore, my last threads of hope were shredded. They had taken my honor, my free will, and now my family. Nothing really mattered after I realized that.

And now, nothing has really changed. Time doesn't really mean anything to me anymore. I'm not even in control of my own life anymore; if I commit suicide Saki will have no reason to keep my friends of family alive anymore.

Regardless of how selfish it is, I sometimes wish one of my brothers was here with me. I know that any one of them would do anything to protect me; and that any one of them would have made the same decision to serve rather then let others die, but if they were here, any one of them, they wouldn't let me get hurt. They would keep the hope alive in me that everything would somehow be okay.

Mikey would keep it alive by his humor; his sunny perspective. He'd never let me mope around, even after a day like today. Even though I know he'd try, I am genuinely glad he's not here; I'd feel obligated to protect him and keep him safe; he's my little brother. It's bad enough just to worry about myself.

Leo would speak of honor, or loyalty to keep me from giving up. I know he'd never allow Shredder to even touch me if he was here; he's always playing the role of the protective older brother. I miss that, so much more then I can describe.

And Raph? Well, my second oldest brother would pound me to shell and back if I started with the self pitying attitude. He'd beat the shell off anyone who tried to push me around or hurt me, regardless of the consequences. He may be rash, but he's loyal and protective of those he cares about. He'd keep me safe.

Any of them would.

But being alone… I'm scared. I'm so scared. Scared that despite my efforts, he'll blow up one of them anyway just to keep me in line. Scared that my brothers are falling apart without me, like I saw in that nightmarish future. Is this what happened to me? Is this how I disappeared?

Soon I don't have the energy to worry anymore. I don't know how long it will take me to fall asleep, but I hope I dream about my brothers.

That's all I have anymore.

_**A/N: Not a lot of action in this chapter, it's more emotional. Hope you like anyway.**_


	4. Old Faces, New Challenges

**Chapter 4: Old Faces, New Challenges**

I sigh as I'm roughly dragged out of my cell. I bet Saki has another mission for me. Even though it's only… 6:00 am. Yeah, go figure; Shredder permitted me to have a clock in my room.

I remember hating mornings, before… before. I remember waking up at 8:00 am, forty five minutes before practice, and heading straight for the coffee pot before sinking down next to either Leo or Raph and trying to grab a few more minutes of shut eye.

Raph would usually make some offhand remark about how I'm addicted to my coffee; unless, of course, he was too tired himself. I barely registered those comments usually; he's been doing that since he was a chibi. If you ask me, his sarcasm seems particularly fierce in the early mornings, but I know better then to bug him or tease him back in the morning. He's scary when he's mad, older brother or not.

Leo would give that smile of understanding and, usually, leave me alone till I was more awake, then sometimes he'd bug me about drinking too much coffee, and tell me I shouldn't stay up so late, and so on. I can't believe it, but I actually miss that.

And, I've gotta say I'm glad I'm not the one who ends up sitting next to Mikey. He'll typically sit next to Raph and proceed to irritate him with his sunny morning attitude, which typically ends in a wrestling match with Leo pulling them off each other and me wondering how on earth Raph was awake enough to try to beat our youngest brother up.

The realization that I'd become completely caught up in my own thoughts comes when I look into the familiar face of the Shredder. I wonder what he wants me to do this time. Probably steal some classified thing again.

I don't really pay attention as he orders me to steal some chip or something from, yet again, Bishop's lab. It's the same thing every time. He tells me what he wants me to do, and threatens me with the detonations if I refuse. Personally, I don't think he really wants this chip. I think he just wants Bishop to beat me up again.

The trip over isn't all that memorable. I ride over on the motorcycle they let me use for these missions, and stop near Bishop's lair. Same old same old.

Getting past the security isn't all that hard either. And it's relatively easy for me to locate the chip. What bugs me is that on a stand in the middle of the room. Call me paranoid, but when everything's this easy, it makes me uneasy. Maybe it's all Master Splinter's training.

I carefully walk towards the center of the room, keeping my eyes open for anything out of the ordinary. Nothing happens, even when I take the chip off the stand. Satisfied, I turn to leave only to run straight into Bishop.

He doesn't even give me a chance to react before pressing into my personal space, making like he's going to attack me. I start backing up, I got lucky during our last 'encounter' and I would be seriously pushing my luck fighting him again.

"I thought you'd be back _turtle._" He spits the word out like a curse. "Do you honestly think I'd let you just walk out with such a valuable piece of technology?" I stop as my back hits a wall. Looks like I'll be fighting him again.

Surrendering to the inevitable, I pull my bo out and bring my hands up in a defensive position. Before he charges, I swear I see… surprise? In his eyes. Well why shouldn't he be surprised? He beat the shell off me yesterday and I'm already back for more.

I don't do much better in this fight then in the last one, probably because I'm still in considerable pain from last time, and the Foot don't really give me good medical care, or any really. And last time was yesterday. I whip my head around when a loud explosion rockets through the building. That's all the distraction needed for Bishop to slam his fist hard enough on my head to nearly knock me out. I groan softly as I fall to the floor. I know I'm going to lose consciousness soon. As everything starts to go dark around me, I hear someone shout something. They sound angry- or maybe enraged would better describe it, and… worried?

What the shell?

Someone suddenly pulls me up off the floor, cradling my head. I'm just barely hanging on to consciousness when I feel a pair of fingers press against the side of my throat. I can barely feel them but I know they're there. Well since I'm going to pass out and end up Bishop's prisoner I might as well see who has me. I use the last of my strength to force my eyes open, just barely making out who's holding me before I pass out.

"Raph?"

**A/N: Sorry for the lack of details during the Bishop/Don fight, I can't write a decent fight scene to save my life. This is an emotional story more then an action one anyway. R&R, please!**


	5. Waking Up, Day One

**Waking Up; Day One**

After living over a year with your arch nemesis, being locked in the same room every night, you get used to certain things. You get used to sleeping on the hard cement every night since your enemies won't even give you a cot to sleep on. You get used to not having someone to talk to, someone to trust. And you get used to the loneliness. You have to. If you don't you won't survive.

So when I first wake up, the first thing I notice is I'm lying on something soft. A couch, maybe? A bed? I don't know. Saki never even lets me sleep on a cot, much less an actual bed. The first week or so he had me chained to the wall even when I slept.

The second thing I notice is that I'm not alone. Not only am I in some sort of… examination room, but there's someone next to me. And I mean right next to me, they're sitting on a chair by my bedside with their head resting right next to my thigh. A very familiar someone, as it turns out.

I can't keep back a soft smile as the events of the past few… hours come back to me. I trace my hand down Mikey's cheek as he sleeps; he looks so much younger when he's sleeping.

He gives a small start when I touch him, raising his sleep filled eyes to meet my own. He seems to become more aware and surprise fills his eyes instead.

"Don? You're awake?" He asks softly. He doesn't even give me a chance to respond before bolting up and wrapping his arms tightly around me. I guess he missed me.

I hug him back in response. "Yeah, it's me little brother. I'm here. I'm not leaving again." He starts sniffling and I bring my hand up to gently rub his shell. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here. I'm here." His sniffles turn into all out sobs and I tighten my hold on him.

I don't know how long we sat there holding each other, but it's long enough for me to make my decision. I'm not going to tell them I'm leaving. I know that they don't want the Shredder to kill any of our friends, but they've obviously missed me enough that they probably wouldn't let me leave. Besides, I want to just enjoy the amount of time I have with them before I have to leave again. It's the best way to handle this.

I think.

When he finally pulls away, his eyes are red and his voice is scratchy. "I'm gonna go get the others" he says, trying to keep his voice level. "They'll wanna see you too." And he leaves before I can reply.

I know that Saki gave me five days too return, but I think it would be best to leave tomorrow. I've missed my family so much. And the longer I stay, the harder it will be to leave. The sooner the better, for one thing I can't take Shredder at his word; he's made that point crystal clear. For another, if I stay to long, it will almost definitely become too hard to leave. I can't risk that.

I just can't.

…

Hmm… what? Did I fall asleep again? Well, judging from the stiffness and heavy feeling of my body that's kind of a stupid question. Wait... why is it so dark in here? I think it was lighter when Mikey left. And when did I get so thirsty?

"Don?" I start when Leo says my name; I didn't even know he was in the room. He comes to kneel next to my bedside. "How are you feeling?"

I sit up and open my mouth to ask/demand some water, but it turns out my throat is dryer then I originally thought and I start coughing. He seems to get the point and hands me a glass of water I hadn't realized was on the desk next to me. When was the last time I drank anything, anyway?

I drink it in less then three swallows and hand it back to him, finally making eye contact with my oldest brother in… god; it's been over a year now.

"A little thirsty, weren't you?"

I grin at him. "You have no idea. How long have I been asleep?"

"Almost all day." He smiles at me. "Mikey came and practically dragged me and Raph in here, going on and on about how you were finally awake. Then when we get in here you're already asleep. I thought Raph was going to explode."

I frown slightly at that. "Where _is _Raph anyway?"

Leo rolls his eyes. "Where does Raph always go when he needs to blow off some steam?"

"Let me guess, he's in the Dojo, beating the living daylights out of his poor punching bag."

"Yep."

I can't hold back a small smile, it's been so long since Leo and I have just… talked. I've missed him, so much more then I could ever say. Wait… oh shell. I forgot about the tracker. It's still in me and activated and god knows how long I've been asleep. If we don't deactivate it soon, and I mean next ten minutes soon, Ma- Oroku Saki could trace it right to our home. I've got to get it out now.

I think I spaced out for to long, Leo had that concerned look on his face that he gets whenever I space out at random times for long periods. I guess now I'll have to tell him. But how can I do that without giving everything away?

"Don? Are you okay?"

"Umm, Leo? You remember how you found me in Bishop's lab?" at his nod I continue; "Well, he had some sort of… tracker that he injected into me in case I ever ran." I hate deceiving Leo but it's the only way to keep everyone safe. I wait as he digests what I've said.

"Donny, where did he put this tracker?"

"He injected it into my right arm. Although I'm not all that thrilled about the idea, we're going to have to remove it, and the sooner the better. I don't know how long it would take to get a lock on my location."

He nods, not looking to thrilled with this new development either. The good thing, I suppose, is that he still has a relatively calm look on his face. If Leo is freaking out, chances are everyone is about to die. But he's not, so that means he knows exactly what to do, or at least he has a plan of action.

That serves to calm me down some. As calm as I can be knowing that someone's going to be cutting into my arm in a few minutes anyway. He starts to walk away, but I grab his wrist to stop him.

"Yes, Don?"

I try to clear a sudden lump in my throat. "Leo… I know that you have to remove this… and you probably can't knock me out since I'm the only one who knows where it is… but I- I'm really scared, Leo. I don't think I'll be able to stay still long enough on my own."

His eyes seem to widen just the slightest bit as he realizes what I'm implying. But he nods his head yes and leaves the room.

I hate having to ask to be held down. Whenever Stockman injected the tracker, he had me strapped down so I couldn't resist if I'd wanted to. And that hurt enough, cutting into my arm to take it out is going to hurt a lot more and take a lot longer too. I sigh and take a deep breath. Shell, is this going to suck.

After a few minutes, Leo returns with Raph a few steps behind. I don't see anyone else, so I guess Leo's gonna remove the tracker. Great.

In true Leo form, he steps up to explain things. "Okay, I'm going to be the one to remove the tracker. Like we said earlier, I'm not going to be able to knock you out but I can give you some minor painkillers. You'll still feel a decent amount of pain though. We need to get you lying on a more solid surface, so Raph will help you over to the table. Splinter thinks it might be hard for you to walk on your own because of the blow you took." I nod and Raph moves over to help me.

When he's next to me he takes my hand and pulls me to my feet, pulling my arm around his shoulder when he's standing. I try to stand, to take some of the weight off him, but I'm as dizzy as Leo predicted and I fall right back into his arms. He speaks for the first time since he's come in; "Don't try to stand, Donnie. I've got you. It's okay." He kneels and slips an arm under my knees, gaining his feet easily and standing with me held safely in his arms. He carries me over to the examining table and sets me down gently.

I try to focus on Leo's eyes and not what he's holding as he approaches me. If I focused on the knife in his hand I'd freak and Raph hasn't got a grip on me yet. He asks me where the injection site is and starts cleaning it with disinfectant when I tell him.

I start to sit up when he's done, but Raph takes my hand and holds it down tightly. I expect him to press his other hand over my chest, but he surprises me by reaching up and placing his other hand on my head, putting enough pressure that I can't move it but I can still see where Leo will be cutting. I understand the logic. Instead of pushing down on my chest, holding down both my head and my hand will give him complete control of my left side. Even if I start struggling, I won't be able to effectively buck him off unless there's weight on my chest to push off. Unless I could remove one of his hands I won't be able to wiggle free, not as long he has a grip on me and Leo's holding my other arm. I don't think he's even sterilized the knife yet, he's probably just helping restrain me until Raph has a firm grip on me.

I test the weight on my left hand as Leo lets go of my arm so he can finish sterilizing the knife. Unfortunately, that only makes Raph press down harder. I try to sit up again even though I know I won't be able to. I'm not really doing it to try to get free; more I want to distract myself until Leo gets started. And Raph's not going to let me go anytime soon, it's not like struggling with him is going to make this any harder. And the more I struggle the tighter he's going to hold me; I need to make sure he's holding me tight enough that I won't be able to yank free when Leo finally gets over here. I'm worried if I stay still he'll loosen his hold enough that I could unintentionally break free when I really start squirming. I guess he got annoyed with my 'exertions' to break free, because he released my hand and stretched his arm across my chest, tucking it under my shell and around my right arm, fully pinning me. Now I can barely move.

I fight not to tremble under Raph as Leo turns back to us. I know he's going to wait until I'm completely still before easing off me to give Leo access to my arm. I try to disguise a calming breath as a sigh as Raph slowly eases off my chest, his hand once again pressing down on my own.

It takes everything I have not to yank my arm back when Leo takes hold of it and starts pressing the knife down on my skin. I start trembling even though he's not applying much pressure yet. To my surprise, Raph brushes his thumb against my forehead gently, even though he's still holding it down. I know he can feel me shaking because his hand squeezes my wrist reassuringly and he strokes my head again.

I gasp as the knife presses through my skin. The pain isn't nearly as severe as it would be without the painkiller, but it really hurts. I try to yank my hand away from Raph, but he doesn't even flinch. He's not even holding my wrist hard enough to hurt me. "Raph-" I hiss. "Raph, it hurts."

"I know." His hand moves down and cups my cheek before moving back to hold my head in place.

"How much further is it, Don?" Leo's voice asks me gently.

I try to fight down the nausea so I can answer. "About an inch." He nods and pushes down further. A pain tear runs down my eye and the trembling increases. I barely even feel Raph gently rubbing my head again. I know I'm straining against his hold on my wrist, but I can't help it. I hope he understands.

"I found it." Leo says and I feel him pulling it out. I struggle as hard as I can (mostly from the pain) but Raph refuses to let go. He doesn't even increase the pressure on my wrist or head.

Leo sets the tracker aside and reaches for the thick bandages next to the table. Since I'm not struggling as hard Raph releases my head and runs his hand up and down my uninjured arm. When Leo finishes wrapping my arm Raph eases his hand under my neck and pulls me up to a sitting position. As soon as he relaxes his grip on my wrist, I wrench it free and wrap my good arm around Raph's shell. He immediately wraps his arms around me and tucks my head under his chin, half hugging me, half supporting me so I don't fall off the table. I let my head rest against his chest. Shell, my arm hurts.

I don't look up when Leo hands Raph something, Raph not even sacrificing his hold on me to take it from him. It's when Raph hands the cup to me that I realize that Leo gave Raph a cup of tea. It's probably drugged but I'm in enough pain that sleep sounds pretty good right now.

I guess it was drugged because when I finish it I can barely support my own weight and I find myself leaning heavily against Raph.

"Easy, Donnie." He says gently as he takes the cup from me. "You're alright." I feel him pick me back up and lay me on the bed, covering me with a blanket. Well, that was nice. I'll have to thank him. In a minute…


End file.
